A few weekends ago, I attended a men’s conference put on by my local church. One of the speakers, Joe Holland, talked about the importance of open and honest relationships in the lives of men. In particular, he drove home the point that men tend to be “closed systems;” that is, we tend not to allow significant transfers in or out. Deep, relational friendships among men are generally not the norm and don’t seem to come naturally. As Joe argued, that is at least in part the product of our expectation that status and significance will flow from what we achieve and, as a result, relationships will fall into place. How often do I intentionally pursue friendship with another man for the sake of friendship…for the sake of being changed and sharpened? Is male bonding not more often the byproduct of passively coming to find that my interests align and therefore it’s comfortable and enjoyable to hang out?

I think there are a lot of reasons (some unique to me perhaps) for why this is difficult. But, Joe rightly boiled it down to at least one good reason: I’m scared of being found out. I’m apprehensive of putting myself out there without some status or significance I’ve earned to fall back on. It’s uncomfortable to initiate genuine conversation and even weirder to show weakness. I can talk all day, but to openly discuss what I’m struggling with or invite another man to speak into my life…I’d rather not. In actuality though, I have come to know the value of friendships in which I’ve been vulnerable and had (sometimes difficult-to-hear) truth spoken to me. Those relationships proved worth the risk.

Joe offered at least one practical help for this problem: create landing strips. Make space for other guys to say something honest, to speak genuinely. That means taking the risk of initiating, of being the first to open up, of taking down the facade of status and hipness to reveal humanity. The importance of such relationships between men cannot be overstated. I found Joe’s words challenging in the sense that I constantly fall into this trap and, yet, encouraging in the sense that I know the prescription works. I’m resolving to create landing strips for others to speak truthfully and openly with me. I want to lean not on my own accomplishments but on the help of genuine friends. Thanks for helping me see this more clearly, Joe.

J.